MHoggard_Lesson2

[Margaret Hoggard]

What are you anxious about? What are you glad about?

As I consider what causes me to be anxious, I think of some of the challenges and changes that I have faced that have affected me and my loved ones, sometimes in life-threatening ways. Surprisingly, these have brought me great peace because of my faith in God and in the power of the Holy Spirit. During a crisis, nonessential considerations fall away so that I can focus on what is important, and at those times, I feel God’s loving presence most strongly. Since I was a teenager, I have witnessed many miracles brought about by a faith community who are praying for intercession. A particular blessing is that my times of personal hardship have led me to be responsive to others who are experiencing difficulties or transitions in their lives. I have been active in offering support through intercessory prayer and compassionate action, even to the point of leading initiatives to build caring Christian communities. At the deepest foundations of my spirit, I know the love of God and the absolute joy of sharing that love with others.

Yet I remain anxious that I am not bearing sufficient fruit. I am troubled by what biblical commentator David Guzik calls “the only destructive miracle” performed by Jesus told in Mark 11: 13-14: “Seeing at a distance a fig tree in leaf, He went to see if perhaps He would find anything on it; and when He came to it, He found nothing but leaves, for it was not the season for figs. 14 He said to it, ‘May no one ever eat fruit from you again!’” Reverend Guzik says the lesson of this passage is that the presence of leaves on the fig tree made it appear to have fruit when it did not; therefore, the curse Jesus laid upon it reinforced that “God doesn’t approve when there is profession without reality, talk without walk.”

My anxiety stems from a fear that I haven’t produced the fruit that the Lord expects from me. While I am engaged in many activities that come out of my faith, I sometimes feel that they are preventing me from finding what I really should be doing in my Christian service, and these are aside from the many worldly distractions that demand my attention. Ironically, worrying about falling short of God’s expectations drains my time and energy too. I am finding the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality course is providing some useful guidance for me to reflect on this perception and clear the path I am meant to be taking. I am very optimistic about the future.

[Danny]

Maggie, thank you for sharing! Many of us, perhaps all of us, share in the anxiety that you highlight. Personally, I reflect on my training and realize that I was reared in a performance based environment that measures my worth through my accomplishments. Certainly, God gives each of us skills, abilities, and spiritual gifts for various purposes. However, what if the purpose of my skills, abilities, and gifts is to witness His Spirit working through me? What if the accomplishments are really His, but I get to witness them from the most intimate of views – from within? What if His real desire is for me to simply be with Him, rather than doing for Him? What if I am not needed by Him, but wanted by Him? To be needed feels wonderful! However, when the task is completed and the need is satisfied, then I become anxious and question if I will be needed again. When I am wanted then the relationship is different, more durable, and stands on its own conditions – the conditions of unconditional love.

Peace and grace,
Dan

[Margaret Hoggard]

Thank you for your response. I think your distinction between being needed and being wanted by Christ is illuminating, since the former implies we can earn His love through meritorious service and the latter that He prizes us just as we are. This year has brought a number of challenges that have sharply limited my ability to serve, and I have been feeling some guilt over not being able to carry my full load. During my prayer and devotion time the other day, Matthew 11:28-30 came to mind: “Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” I was struck with a sense that working to the point of exhaustion is not something Christ is demanding of me, and that opened me up the possibility that what I undertake in the future can have room for restoration and joy. It was a profoundly reassuring insight.

[Dillon Ekle]

From Maggie:

My anxiety stems from a fear that I haven’t produced the fruit that the Lord expects from me.

This is an interesting wording for this fear, because it brings forward both the fear of not doing enough of what God has given me to do, but also the fear of not producing the right type of fruit. That is, even if I’m doing his work, maybe this work that I’m trying to accomplish isn’t even meant for me. Maybe the fig tree is trying so hard to grow apples that it hasn’t gotten around to producing figs. This chapter of the course is all about that, and it is interesting for me because it is something that I’ve mostly ignored, historically speaking. As long as something isn’t terribly uncomfortable for me, I tend to assume it is right for me. I’ve never seriously taken the time to examine what is natural or even joyful for me, outside of occasional Spiritual Gifts Inventories that, to be honest, often feel pretty shallow and mood-based, and thus get buried after a few days of trying to live according to my results.

From Abbot Dan:

However, what if the purpose of my skills, abilities, and gifts is to witness His Spirit working through me? What if the accomplishments are really His, but I get to witness them from the most intimate of views – from within?

This is a beautiful thought. It keeps us from taking inappropriate pride in our role in his work, without discounting that role. It gives us a fuller sense of joy and gratitude for what the Lord is doing through us, and from that a gratitude for being made a part in that work. I need to ponder that idea for a while.

[Author]

Posts