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Discovering the symptoms that are most active in my spiritual life has proven somewhat more difficult than expected. My initial reaction was symptom 6, “Doing for God instead of being with God.” This revelation is actually part of what pushed me to take this course, and even before that, it indirectly led me to discover the Benedictine order and the shift it represents in the lives of those who follow it.
As I have been thinking and praying on these symptoms, however, I wonder if symptom 1, “Using God to run from God,” is a better description of what I have been encountering. Whether it is through trying different types of prayer, looking at different types of churches and their traditions and histories, or even focusing on the lives of my friends, all of these activities (internal though they may be) distract from what is happening within me, and what God is trying to say to me about my own heart. This is certainly related to symptom 6, as all of these activities prevent me from being still in God’s presence, but I think the root of the issue is avoidance rather than manic motion itself.
In some ways God has been moving me to find this truth for years. He has blessed me with excellent friends who have helped me by listening to some of my deeper “layers” and fears, and responding in God’s love and truth, which has opened me up to letting God himself, as well as others in his love, into my heart a little more deeply. Nonetheless, the pattern of avoidance is apparently still strongly present in my life. I ran and hid for a long time; it is not easy to switch gears from that.
I am really interested in your comments about “Using God to run from God.” What else, or who else might we use God to run from? How do we break free from that abuse of God? Thanks for sharing!
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