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My first thoughts of Psalm 51 bring memories of attending a Southern Baptist church with my grandmother, mother, brother, aunt, uncle, and cousins. The hymn “Create in Me a Clean Heart” was one I sang a great deal as a child. The song invokes both a heartfelt want for God to provide a real change in my life as well as a reminder of close family I once had (and lost most of when my grandmother died). I think though that as with all things, relationships (with God and others) change over time. For me, becoming a mother changed many of my dynamics. David cried out to God continually and I feel as he grew from the shepherd boy to king, so did his relationship with God. Often we don’t realize how deeply we are struggling until we have the emotionally maturity to admit it. David’s struggles in his daily life he wore on his sleeve as well as in his prayers. I often wonder how straightforward I am with myself and God. After re-reading Psalm 51, I am reminded of how the balance of honesty with self and others truly prepares the heart for God’s transformation.
Hi Sister Shawna,
You spoke of being straightforward with self and God. I wonder that about myself, too. Maturity hasn’t helped me. I am chuckling at myself as I write, as I am assuming that I might have some degree of maturity. Still, the problem of remaining honest, humble, and self aware has been a lifelong struggle. False pride makes me want to say, It has gotten better over the years. Just when I get good at any of it, any of life, something so much bigger than myself crops up and I am slammed again. My ego is smashed. It hurts at the time, but I am so grateful for the humbling. Without it I would be deluded into believing I was a smarty pants. And that can get me into a lot of trouble. My false self is exhausting and Jesus’ burden is so much lighter and joyful. It seems that life is going to be like that for me. Even when I’m looking like I’ve got it together, hahaha, I feel another lesson is on it’s way. Maybe I am a little more prepared these days. If by God’s grace, I can be prayerful, honest, and humble–just one of those–then I don’t have to suffer as much and God might use me to be of service to someone. But, on the other hand, He can always make use of me as an example of how not to do something as I “fall and get up, fall and get up” a lot on any given day it seems.
Your sharing that “the balance of honesty with self and others truly prepares the heart for God’s transformation,” reminded me that that is the whole purpose of life. I want to keep that truth on my mind more often. You highlighted that for me. Thank you for that help!
Sister DeanaSisters,
You touch on the essence of the challenge between false and true self. Society encourages us to conform to the environment around us. At work, I wear my work face, with friends it is my friend face, the parent or child face comes out for family. The contemplative seems to discover the self created by God. As we are stripped of our false masks, the one created as Imago Deo is revealed. We are transforming through the power of God into the butterfly that He designed in the beginning. Our rhythms encourage us to receive and accept that transformation into our true selves by the Designer. As Sr. Deana wrote in a different post, we let go of our insistence to control and we are better for it. God bless you all. In Him, Fr. Dan
This Psalm has always moved me deeply, as a repented David finally confronts two major sins he has committed despite his close relationship with God; those of adultery and murder.
It’s clear that David recognizes the gravity of his breach with God, and begs for mercy and forgiveness. He acknowledged God’s righteous anger, and promises to serve him faithfully.
In years past, I too have committed greavous sins- though not quite as serious as David’s- and have had to confront our Creator with confesdion, contrition, and begging for his mercy and forgiveness. It is a comfort for me to know that despite David’s betrayal to his God, that he too received God’s forgiveness. Thanks be to God for his incredible and undeserved mercy.
David was so blessed to have Nathan! Before Nathan confronted him, how aware was David of the depth of his sin? Surely he had some awareness. After all, he did try to get Uriah to sleep with his wife and then essentially had him killed when that plan fell through. Without Nathan, would David have been able to repent? I don’t like the Nathans in my life, but I am so grateful for them!
There is a consistent theme of the true and false self battling it out throughout the Psalms. And thank God that is the case! It’s true to our experience as broken humans in need of grace and mercy and divine love. Doing this battle is the only way to kill the false self- and we can only be successful with God as the One drawing the true self out from within us.
I have a bad habit of setting up shields and barriers- preventing intimacy with others. It’s an emotional defense mechanism I’ve developed to my detriment. I’ve been hurt by several pastors and church members in the past, including my own family. I began to feel that opening myself up to others only resulted in pain. And as I have come to find, doing so has had the consequence of hindering me from developing greater intimacy with God. Thanks for sharing this with us.
I’ve also experienced my share of hurt within the church. Much of it I’m still working to resolve. And I’ve encountered several barriers along the way to resolution. But I’m starting to wonder…
Is it possible that I’ve been navel gazing too much? Could it be that, when I have considered others, I’ve only been considering THEIR false selves? What if I looked for the true self in the offender? Could I develop a habit of seeking the image of God buried under all the brokenness, not only in myself, but also in those by whom I am hurt? How might life be different if my gaze were turned in this direction?
Sister Shawna Lea, I think you raise a wonderful idea for reflection surrounding “how the balance of honesty with self and others truly prepares the heart for God’s transformation.” Verse 8 of the Psalm says, “Behold, you desire true sincerity; and secretly you teach me wisdom” (NABRE). Like several other people in this course, I struggle with forgiving myself for my sins, and I wonder after reading your post if part of the problem might be I haven’t peeled back enough of the layers to be honest with myself and others. Or the problem might be that there are lessons from my experience that will reveal God’s wisdom, and I still haven’t learned enough or been open enough to see them clearly. An idea that strikes me after reading your post is that the pain of admitting sin before God, self, and others with “true sincerity” can be an important part of experiencing the emotional maturity you discuss. Thank you for a thought-provoking response!
Blessings,
Maggie Hoggard
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