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An action that I have been taught is crucial for relationships to flourish is forgiveness. Christ commands it and taught us to pray that we would be forgiven as we forgive.
But I’ve sometimes struggled to forgive. Often I’m not even sure what forgiveness looks like, especially when the offender is not repentant. Recently I’ve begun to wonder if I’ve been mistaking grief for lack of forgiveness, in particular when there has been a rupture in a relationship that once seemed strong.
What do you all think? Is it possible I’m on to something? Have any of you experienced something similar? How did you move forward?
Sr. Becca, thank you for your honest and thought-provoking response. What I find particularly difficult about forgiveness is the need to forgive over and over again. Forgiving someone for a hurtful action, I have discovered, does not mean that the person will not hurt me again. I have one person in my life in particular who comes to mind, and I despair of this relationship ever being free from pain for me. I think you are right on target by identifying the reaction in this type of situation as grief rather than lack of forgiveness.
I am sorry for your pain and pray for you (and perhaps you can pray for me too). I can’t say that I have moved on when faced with ongoing pain, but I have found it helpful to be as kind as I can be, to humbly remember my own failings, and to pray and meditate on Scripture. Truly, offering forgiveness is a constant challenge that probably becomes even more distressful when we have a deep desire to follow the example of Christ.
God bless you and keep you,
MaggieForgiving has always been (too) easy for me, but I don’t forget. If a person is a repeat offender, I try to limit the opportunities that person has to act or speak in a way that requires forgiving over and over.
Br. Monty, I think that is a wise approach. Do you find it has been effective in creating relationships that are healthier for you and other parties involved?
Blessings,
MaggieRelationships are bilateral. You can’t have one person in relationship without another. Despite best efforts- listening carefully, being empathetic, etc., some just remain toxic. This begs the question- Why do we WANT to be in relationship with this person. We have infinite opportunities to build mutually respectful, and/or enriching relationships with other people, if our efforts to build with any particular person prove fruitless.
Br. Monty, I agree that we should limit relationships with people who are toxic and seek out those with whom we can have the mutually beneficial contacts you describe. Sometimes, it is choice to continue in a damaging relationship, perhaps because it is the right thing to do or because there are others involved who will be hurt or left unprotected if the toxic person is shut out. What troubles me most when this happens is not that I can’t forgive but that I can’t trust and therefore keep a wall around me that limits real intimacy and growth in the relationship. This creates an emotional separation more than a physical one. I think that brings us back to the grief that Sr. Becca mentioned in her initial post in this forum. I grieve for the relationship that could have been and for the loss of hope that circumstances will improve, even though I still feel compelled by my faith to keep trying, to be as loving as I can, and to avoid falling into unwholesome behaviors towards others out of anger or frustration. Your response does make me think about the stress and costs of maintaining toxic contacts, however, and I will pray for ways to develop more emotionally healthy relationships in quality and number. Thank you for your wise perspective.
Blessings,
Maggie
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